They're out there, and they're coming to get you. The Marketing Zombies - the Un-Dead hoards infected by the virus of new marketing, social media and Web 2.0. And they will absorb you into their grotesque spasm of waste and failure! Use this guide to prepare yourself for the Marketing Zombie Apocalypse before it's too late!!!
The Social Media Marketing Zombie
Weaned on Facebook and Twitter, the Social Media Marketing Zombie can text 50 words-per-minute with just her thumbs, and she has over a thousand so-called "friends." She'll show you all the sites you can post to; but when she starts clawing at you for content, watch out! Her insatiable appetite for anecdotes, references and clever comments will exhaust you in no time. And when visitors fail to become customers, you'll be long overdue on your sales goals, and she'll be munching on her next victim!
Fired when his local call center went out of business, the Telemarketing Zombie will do anything for a job. He'll even work on a pay-for-performance basis. All he needs is a phone and your promise to pay when something sells. To be sure, he'll dial until his fingers fall off. But when nobody closes, your business will be left a bloody corpse in the market with nothing but a soiled reputation.
The Zombie Networking Group
Packed with hungry salespeople, the members of the Zombie Networking Group have convinced their sales managers that networking with other salespeople is the best way to find good sales leads. Gorging on chickens at $30 a luncheon, though, just won't satisfy their endless appetite to join more networking groups - until they find a new job working for someone they met through one of their networking groups.
Looking great in a suit, the Zombie Salesman knows PowerPoint like the back of his rotting hand. All you need to do is get him in front of a prospect, and he can close anyone, anytime. "More leads!" is his soulless cry, though, as he waits for the phone to ring, and blames the Marketing Zombie for bringing him junk that he can't close.
Invading from overseas, the Zombie Hoard has mastered technology, and needs nothing more than a call center and an Internet connection to bleed your business dry. With a cost-per-hour that's a small fraction of domestic providers, the only problem is that no one can understand a word they say - as they gobble up your time, and scare off your customers.
Retired from his Fortune 500 marketing job, the Zombie Consultant has all the answers. From sales training to drip campaigns, from brochures to Webinars, if you have money, he knows how to spend it. He knows all the buzz-words, too, but that droning doesn't mean any more to him than it does to you.
The Zombie Channel Partner
They're already in your target market. And they promise they're going to sell for you. But the Zombie Channel Partner is in it to meet his own twisted needs. To him you're just another piece of meat, as he chews off 35%, and leaves you without feet on the street - in more ways than one.
Caked in make-up to hide his own fatal flaws, the Zombie Web Designer knows exactly why your Web site isn't working, and what to do about it - even if you just spent $100,000 to redo it. He'll look deep into your soul to lure you in. And when you decide to "refresh," he'll take a chunk out of your neck, and leave you looking just like all the other victims he's infected.
Dragging fetid entrails of long-abandoned email addresses, the Zombie Data Base Rep has the answer to all your prayers. But you'll be buried in bounce-backs before she's through, and gasping for air as your domain gets quarantined by every spam cop on the beat.
The Marketing Zombie Apocalypse isn't coming, it's here. And you need to be prepared.
How to Protect Your Business from
the Marketing Zombie Apocalypse
You have been warned. Now you need to protect yourself from the Marketing Zombie Apocalypse. Use the following guide. And Beware!
1. Get Your S**t Together
Marketing Zombies are dangerous because they look just like you and me. They may be "Bob the Sales Guy" down the hall, or "Mary the Marketer" next door. But by the time you figure out that they're the flesh-eating reanimated dead of the marketing world, it's too late. Learn to recognize the Marketing Zombie infestation before it recognizes you!
Marketing Zombies are already dead, so you can't kill them. And they're not conscious, so you can't reason with them. The best you can do is separate a Zombie's brain from its body so they'll leave you alone. And the fastest way to do that is to arm yourself with good questions. Ask for proof that what they're recommending actually works. Ask them to be accountable for sales results, not activity. And then stand back as their heads explode!
3. Prepare a Survival Kit
The Marketing Zombie Apocalypse is already here, so you need to be prepared to ride it out. According to the CDC, here's what you'll need:
- Water - In business, cash is like water, you can't live without it. And Marketing Zombies spend it like it's going out of style. You'll need a secret stash of cash to re-start your marketing program after they wrecked whatever they got their hands on.
- Food - Your customers are the lifeblood of your business. Hide them from the Marketing Zombies so they'll still be there when the Zombies move on.
- Medications - Your good employees are your antibodies against the Marketing Zombies. Don't let them get contaminated by the latest fad.
- Tools and Supplies - Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. If you have something that's working, don't stop doing it just because the Marketing Zombies say you don't need it anymore.
- Sanitation and Hygeine - Marketing Zombies may ask you to do things that you may find to be unethical, or just plain dumb. If it sounds to good to be true, it probably is.
The Marketing Zombies will tell you that it's a whole new world today. They'll tell you about Web 2.0, about the virtual economy, and even about virtual money (WTF?). They'll tell you about the 1% of the companies that succeeded using their techniques, but what they won't tell you about is the 99% that failed. Make them show you the conversion rates, and don't play their game. Run. Before it's too late.
The Marketing Zombies will come at you from every direction, with solutions to problems you didn't even know you had. So you need to build a moat around your business. Demand that they show the link between their marketing recommendations and the production of actual revenue. If you need to make a "leap of faith," be prepared to get eaten.
Not everyone has been infected; there are people out there who actually know what they're doing. Learn to tell the difference between a Marketing Zombie and someone who's just bloody from fighting the good fight by sanity-checking what comes out of their mouth. Use this handy comparison tool to tell the living from the undead.
Don't expect the infection to pass. This plague is destined to evolve into ever more virulent strains before the economy eventually comes back; at which time the rising tide will lift all ships, and the Zombies will simply take credit. Follow this link to find a safe haven.
Don't fall victim to the Marketing Zombie Apocalypse. Your business depends on it.